i have like birds on top of my head, going round and round, and it is screaming. i have serious headaches :/ hm so theres nothing interesting going on this week. and it was a boring week. so is today. no excitements. amariah came to school today. which i told her not too. i saw it coming. she was not well to be coming to school. and she was just scared of her dad. hm, if she told her dad that she is not well, im sure he'll understand. if i were her i would stay home. it is just the same of not coming to school, you will not learn a thing. but you know, she and her ego. its just so disappointing. she came to school with soggy face, and weak. the teachers were kindda disappointed in her too.
so then.......................................................yeah nothing to say.
unlucky :I
i am beginning to feel the same feeling again. reckless. i dont even know why the heck i feel this way over and over again. i get jealous too easily with the people around me. when i do feel that way, i feel small. like i dont belong to them. to their people. i am just..a girl who is alone, with best friends and who work her butts off to succeed. its not enough. i dont know why its not enough. i am really jealous of people who is prettier than me, who is smarter than me, who is cleaner than me, popular, nicer, hotter, EVERYTHING! its annoying. garh...i wish i can be them. why the hell....
everyone looks quite happy now. and i am so happy to see smiles on their faces. i am quite myself too :) maybe now i feel kindda lonely but hey, i have my best friends to make me happy. so things are going smooth. even "A" was happy. with his guy friends. but, to be honest i kindda miss him talking to me and joke around like before, but i know that things wont go back as how it is before, its tough. i know. i think i moved on. sure i sometimes are jealous of other girls being around him, but you know, its normal. so i think it would not be a problem for me. as long as i can control myself. so today at school, i behaved myself and i learned something new. and i always do :) i am proud that i can answer the physics and maths questions. i dont think any teacher told me off today. not to say that i am bad, but yeah i get distracted alot. but today, i focused 100% and i tried to ignore all of the distractions. should i say i am proud of myself?
but, i sprained my ankle. again. yeah. im clumsy, i know :)
so thats pretty it. this songs speaks alot <3
I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather
Cause lately all we do is fight
And every time it cuts me deeper
Cause something’s changed
You’ve been acting so strange
And its taking its toll on me
Its safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave
Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I’m seein myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought id say
I’m fine
Without you
Called you up cause’ it’s been long enough
And you said that you were so much better
We have done a lot of growing up
We were never meant to be together
Cause something changed, you were acting so strange
And it’s taken its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave
Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I’m seein myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought id say
I’m fine
Without you
Cause something changed, you were acting so strange
And it’s taken its toll on me
It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave
Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I’m seein myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away
Well I never thought id say
I’m fine,
Without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
I just wanna be alone tonight,
I just wanna take a little breather.
i am so bored, i dont really know what to do. i have my lazy pants on. i cant be bothered to go upstairs and get my heads on the books. but i'll do it later though. at night. promise.
i decided to let it go. having a breakdown, isnt really going to help me with life. sure i lost my english, my marks went down. but, you know. maybe its not my time. yesterday, the extra chemistry class was nice. i was being brave. i put 100% attention. and cg. zaini wasnt being hard. its nice to see her smiling :) and it felt good! i think she was in a good mood. i really hope that i will do good in the mid terms. i really hope to get good results. please allah :)
i am really tired these few days. tired of crying in bed, looking at my low marks. thinking about what i did, and what i didnt do. i felt so guilty. yesterday was another bad day, and so is today. sheesh. i dont know why cant i have a good day? like everyday i am facing new stuffs, new problems but i cant solve the old ones. it just keeps adding up. and i am stressing. i am thinking of getting a 'sorry' card to mrs. zaini, my chemistry teacher. i cant believe that she was very angry with the class. and especially me. i wasnt listening to her. i was busy figuring out what was this 'vulcanize' thing, and she called out my name. and i was at shock. and she asked me what is properties of the 'vulcanize'. i tried answering. but i couldnt. i know it was my fault, but i had no idea on what she is on about. i wasnt in the lesson during that time when she introduce the topic. and it was my fault too for not asking. so then, she was pissed because i couldnt answer. then, she said. "dah la, no one listened to me, go back to your class" she was giving up. and i felt like, because of me not answering the question, she gave up. she gave up on me, and everyone. i felt so ashamed. it was very embarassing. i burst into tears. i was so embarrassed. and i cant put my face anywhere that time. i know, im showing to the world im weak. but, if you were in my place, you will feel the exact same thing as i did. im so guilty.
so then today, another bad day. i was scared to go to school. getting my marks. all of the marks proved me that i am weak. i didnt want to go to school at start, but then. i told myself "lisa, you have to be strong. its life. things arent always what you wanted to be like, and we have our ups and down. its just a test" so, i entered the school. i breathed. i was hoping to get my LK paper but mrs maisara didnt mark it yet. so it was up to english. i know i did bad. i know that i will get a low mark. and i know i will get disappointed. and i know i will cry. and that was the REAL reason why i dont want to go to school today. but with the help of akmal and amariah, giving me advices. i got my spirit back up, a little would do. less than a little. but, this is BEYOND of what i expected. so when the teacher called out my name, i got up out of my seat, walk towards the paper, breath, and i took it. i looked at the paper, struggling to breathe, took my eyes off the paper, sat down and i kept it in my bag. so now you know how bad it was. i told myself again "lisa, breathe, dont cry, dont cry, dont cry, dont show your weakness, dont talk to anyone about it, relax". to be honest, i had it all planned. i wanted to do that when i have a bad mark. this was the lowest in my history. i usually get A's. but this time it was BAD. lower than anyone around me. again, i breathed. and kept quiet. i didnt talk to anyone. and amariah kept asking me if i am okay. i said i am, and i lied. i dont want to argue. no point anyways. this was really bad. bad bad bad bad bad bad. fuck. it doesnt make sense and it was a complete bull.
i got a1 in est, but est is nothing -.- and....akmal bought me skittles, my favourite. that was so sweet to be honest. it cheered me up a little.
so then, there you go. wish me good luck. *rolling eyes* yeah right, i never had luck in me :(
later.
i had a bad day today. i woke up on the wrong side of the bed. with blocked nose. and fever. well, not until mrs. zaini gave the chemistry papers. hell no. i got a very low mark and when i meant low, i meant REALLY LOW. i am too embarrassed to put the marks here. but, it was just too disappointing. i cannot say more about how bad it was. i am ashamed. no matter how hard i studied for this exam, i still cannot get above my expectations. people who dont study gets higher than me, and at first i thought i could get at least a two digit percentage, but it was one. so now i am giving you clues of how bad it was. so i cried. i cant hold on to it, because i was so disappointed in myself. i was so angry. i dont know what goes wrong. i sacrificed everything. my time on tv, laughing, talking, sleep! everything! i dont know why when it comes up with test, im really not good at it. seriously, i am worried about SPM. what if...agh!
and for physics. sheesh! :/
fuck..
okay the first few days with him, has been okay :) my mum didnt pick me up from school last thursday. she picked me up at 7.30 pm. yeah i know. very late. akmal accompanied me. i think i am always a burden. heh. so yeahhhh. amariah, wawa and i got back together as being bff, thank god. and i thank iera for all of those advices. i love you :) heee. yesterday was maulud rasul, and we won 7th place out of all those classes in school. i appreciate it, but i think 5 harmoni deserves more better than that! :/ so now, everythings is fine. but im having a bad cold. oh and i felt really bad about the april test :( i failed my maths and add maths. sheessh! gaaah! im so terrible. i gotta hit the books. later
i just cannot understand why i cant be appreciated.
yesterday he called me. and he really asked things that is going on between us. and i was really shocked. but then, its okay. if you gotta settle it, you gotta settle it right? amariah told him, and he read my blog. (i never knew that anyone could have read this, lol) but then. yeah. he said he wants to know it from me, from my lips. and i said it. i was being brave, even though i am not used to say that in front of people, or even in a live conversation, not ever. i said all of the things i wanted to say, well maybe i left somethings abit. but, i said pretty much all. as much as it hurts me to say, i think it hurts him more. and i am sorry. i think the 'thing' between us is over, i mean its over. completely. but we promised to be best friends. even though it can be tough sometimes, but as long as we work together, we can always. i really hope that he doesnt get too upset about the things that i said. i mean through the conversation, there was a lot of 1 min silence, and i am scared he might know that i burst into tears. i held on to my tears. as i promise to myself to not show my weakness. and after that, we talked and talked like how best friends should....until he is out of creds. so then, both said goodnight. if i see him the next day not talking to me or ignoring me, i will know. and i will give him time. maybe if he want to find someone else first. so.yeah.
love elle <3
yesterday's girl talk with amariah was really a relief. we talk about our problems and my previous life. amariah i hope you will make the best decision out of it, i cant really help you with this, it comes within you whether you will sacrifice anything for him or not. its tough, i know. but still. dont think too much about the relationship, it will surely effect your studying. just think ahead. i even cried yesterday, i cant hold on to the tears no more when people say about my previous life. i cannot hear his name from people's mouth, it will make me sad. i wanted to be friends with him. i wanted to say something to him, but i dont know if i have the guts to do it. i was a bit jealous when he talks to my friends but not with me. i am trying to analyze him, what did i really do 2 years ago? why did he enter into my life suddenly by entering my class last year? what have i done to him. i sometimes craving to know things that i do, i want him to tell me. but i know its impossible..IF ONLY
i dont know why. did i really give him the chance to let it enter through me? did i do it because he loves me? i mean..it comes and go. and there is nothing to be shared right now. did i give too many hopes? i dont really melt when he is around now. my heart doesnt beat that fast when he sits next to me anymore. does it mean my heart moves on? i dont feel anything. but when he doesnt talk to me, i feel bored. i feel...lost. amariah said that she thinks he is not the one for me..and i thought of the same thing. he doesnt have the same interest as me. he doesnt listen to the musics that i like. instead of me introducing something new to him, why not him? its boring, i dont have anything new to learn. we..have..nothing in common. nothing. but i am scared if i let him know this, it might affect our relationship. its hard because he is in my class. i see him everyday, and i analyze him everyday. when he doesnt talk to me, i feel awful. but when he talks to me, i feel okay. but i dont have the 'thing' for him. when people tease me being with him, i felt annoyed and i just want them to stop because i denied. i dont know what i want really. i dont want to break his heart, and at the same time i want him to stop loving me. i dont know. i dont want to lose anyone anymore. i know that if i let him go, he will stop being friends with me, or maybe it will just get so awkward. what do i do now?
oh by the way...i hated how the teachers handle things with field trips.IM SO ANGRY! i dont get it. there is this one trip to GMI. which suppose to be only for engineering class. which is our class. 5 harmoni. but, she gave the job to some murni girl. so alot of people wanted to join in. she picked classes form her class, nurani. aman....and our class was the last one she entered. WELL THAT WAS PRETTY BRIGHT WASNT IT?!, not. -.-. so there isnt any spaces left for our class to enter the trip. HOW DUMB WAS THAT!? so no fair..
but, me and amariah came up with a great idea of doing a field trip. and i came up with the idea of going to MONASH UNIVERSITY MALAYSIA! yay me. so amariah, wawa and zaki agreed. which was super duper great. and yeah. MONASH HERE WE COME! :) heeeeeee
okay so today, amariah just slept through the whole class. cmon amariah dont sleep in the class..
iera, i miss you soo bloody much.
april test is next week. i will try my best!! :D i dont know why, but im so exited. :)
sincerely me, ELLE
