sometimes what we wished for will never be granted,
but something we were never wished for will be,
reading the text messages you gave to me left me feeling hurt,
even if i am a bad person, i will always think before i speak,
to always find excuses will only make me even angrier,
and even if you blamed yourself, it will do it worser,
you chose it this way when you can change it,
but instead of you feeling the sadness,
i will have to, no matter what.
I did not misunderstood. But you said it yourself. "i thought at least i got my friends after i lost one..but tak?". real smart. all you can ever think of is always blame yourself. i dont even know when was the last time you said sorry "sincerely", and not by forcing yourself to do it just because you think that you are losing it. all i was trying to do is be there for you. when ever i tried to give you advices, but you will always have points to fight me back. what do you get in return?:
losing a friend
all i want to say is i miss you amariah. when is the last time i see you smile? or laugh? or even send me happy text messages. what done is done. Im sorry of what i said.
maybe i wont get to see fireworks with iera. i really wanted to. after all of those fights with amariah. I really do need so time to fresh my mind up. but hm. Oh god. give me a miracle.
other than that, i am happy with wawa. i got to see her, after all the months past by! i miss her so much. we talked and talked! so much. gosh. i really miss her. the last time i spoken to her was the day before the harmonians barbeque night. and on our last day of school, we fought. and it was on the last day of school. how can i do such a thing? poor wawa. gosh, i am so terribleee. at least i did make it up to her. :')
im so disappointed in you amariah.
oh and...
new year is not what i thought it would be like.
addicted to this song:superhuman (chris brown feat. keri hilson)
Hey there again, yeah its me. Okay. This year has been a loooooonnngggg year. interesting and i have learned so many things from my mistakes. i met new people and they are my best friends now! yeah, cool.
All of the sudden i have these flashbacks:
Amariah: when i first talked to amariah and she was in rush. not to forget, she was fresh. no fringe and just ordinary girl from sarawak. i realized that she gets emo alot like two weeks later. and fought with wawa, ALOT haha. And i love the times when we laughed till we cant laugh anymore, that was the best part aite? and i love it when we always share like everything, good times ay amariah. we fought yeah, but its okay, we are still strong though! right?! i love you
iera: I remembered the times when i got to know iera. yeah i thought she was incredible, and she is still! she has helped me through everything, and she gave me strength to always be patient-its what i do best, but not for long though. yeah, ive been friends with her since i was in form 2. we fought, yeah like times. and it was a lil funny when i thought about it again. But now we became more mature. she was always there when i needed her, and she knows when i had a problem, very observant iera. a very good listener
wawa: gosh, i miss her so much right now. this year has been bizzare with wawa. mmg tak sah la kalau tk gado ngn wawa. hahaha. we fought nicely, but sometimes. yeah. you get it. friendship problems. but i am so glad that we have came this far. wawa is a good listener though.
akmal: wow, what a year right? ive been through so many things with this guy. haha. yeap. he is very nice, a very good listener. and..what not. i am sure he will find a nice girl in his life one day. go akmal :)
oky, i cant really be bothered to type all of my flashbacks. hahaha. but i love all of you though.
so what do you think the year 2009 will be like? i want to have a nice year. so heres the list of my new years resolution:
- Definately to get good result in my exams, test and ofcourse SPM (although i am not quite sure if i can do it)
- To be a better person, a good daughter, friend and who knows girl friend (i am just joking on the last one)
- cut down my weight!
- focus on the right and important things, like studies?
- Spend more time with family and friends (esp with iera, amariah and wawa)
- get organized
- i want to learn something new
- Make mama and papa proud of me
- after the whole SPM thingy, i want someone, but who i dont know. edward cullen or chric brown maybe. haha
- Be myself.
So that is it. my new years resolution. i hope i can tick of all of them easily. haha. it has been soo cool this year and i am looking forward for next year. things are getting better and better with my parents. my dad found a job, my mum and i has been fine, really hoping that amariah will be there more for me.
too much pain that has been causing me this year, from my parents, to siblings, boys and to friends. all taught me a lesson for the future though, and although i've wished something mean, i didnt mean it though. god, please erase my wish. But i wish for everything will be better for the next year and hoping it will be fantastic.
-Elissa <3
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!
its christmas! :) yeay.
i dont know if things are going to work out between me and amariah
its just that, i want her to focus on something really important rather than bragging her mind to other stuffs like, boys maybe?
i want her back. i want the old amariah
bring her back please :'(
Yesterday was the worst day i could ever have imagined. I really wish god will pull my soul out. I have made a huge mistake and i felt really guilty about it. I can't really post it here. but, it was a some kind of a misunderstanding. If only i could just nod of what my mum told me before I began to talk back after her. If only i can just turn the clock around and be her daughter. I wanted to be her ever best daughter she can ever had. But i failed. I failed the test. I cant be the one who can make her proud. She lost her trust on me, i am not qualified to have a such wonderful mother like her. I regret of what i have done. she has done everything for me, raise me, feed me, buy for my needs. and i didnt appreciate her yesterday. How bad can i be? people say i am so nice, but i am not. I realize that i am not nice at all. I realize that i am very stupid, in everything i do. I am not strong anymore. I dont want to be bad, and i have never imagined myself be a bad daughter, but i am. i've realized.
Yesterday, i asked amariah to call me. and i cried to her and told what happened. I locked my self in my room the whole day, crying my eyes out. no matter how hard i cried, things wont get to normale. I didnt wanted to eat, at all. I said sorry to her. She accepted my apology. and i was thankful. but i dont feel like i am part of the family, which is odd. Papa text me, during my class. and i cried that moment. i cant really post it here. but it was as if he hates me too. I am now hating myself too. feeling that maybe i can kill myself, but i wont, dont worry (hm?). so people who seemed to love me, please stop loving me, I am bad. stop taking care of me, and just punish me, pretty please. dont be my friend. because i am a bad influence, and you should not be friends with a bad person.
So today, everything was pretty okay, but i still feel the same. My mum started to talk to me. and it was adrian's 8th birthday. I even forgot, how can i. see? i am bad. So then, after my class, mama talked, i was pretty relieved. after eating cakes, and my mum had to go back to work. she left her phone, and i checked her messages wondering of what she said to papa. I read, she was very upset. After my class yesterday, i was about to say that i'll walk myself home to her, which will probably take me hours and probably something could have happen to me, and i was wishing it could. then i checked her sent message to papa, she said that she was very upset with me and she wants me to walk myself home. So, she thought of it before i do. see?! She hates me :'(. then papa text back. no dont, something could have happen to me and he doesnt want mama to regret it. then she said, okay. I just knew it. she picked me up. and in the car, not a single word. you can really tell how she was very upset with me. she hates me. so then, i didnt realize that she changed her wallpaper right after the incident. she changed a normal plain wallpaper to her picture with kakak on it. and i realize that, she loves kakak more than me. i felt it ages ago, but now i really do feel as if she hates me, and she loves kakak.
So now, i gotta stop writing, and cry my eyes out.
mama, i love you. and if something happened to me. I will always love you, even if you dont.
you are the best mum ever! and i dont deserve you mama. i love you.
goodbye
i miss iera, i really miss her. i want to spend time with her. just a day, from this month pun cukup. :'( grr. i miss our times together, i love her to death :)
It's pouring heavily outside. Here i am, at home listening to 'Kiss in the rain' which people called it Bella's Lullaby (yeah it was played by edward cullen in the movie twilight), eating my goreng pisang, alone. I was suppose to meet my friends over at Mcd's, but i cant go out. i have to stay home, look after the boys. shit. mind my language, but i am really stressed up. Everytime i wanted to go out with my friends, my mum always have to be busy. I hate it when i have to fight. i fought with her just now, she said she is really busy, and how selfish i am. i barely go out with my friends! then i shouted to her 'i barely go out! i always have to be the one to be your maid, be a babysitter and open the books!' i let go all of 'em. i was feeling relieved for a second. but then, she said 'if you really want to go out, go by yourself, go to your friends because they are more important than you, go and look for a new family, go and look for new parents'. At that point, i felt guilty. But, i barely go out. then, yeah. whatever, i was always the wrong one. so then i waited for my mum to leave the house. I left after she left. i went for a walk. it was about to rain, but who gives a damn. I didnt know where i was heading to. I left my brothers just like that. But i cant seem to remember them that time. i was too busy to cry and feel how stressed i am.
Then, here i go. starting the journey. i cried while i was walking. it was pretty scary, but i dont seem to care where i was, i was out in the cruel world. then, suddenly, there was this 'boy'. he seemed nice. he was good-looking i can say, wearing a grey hoodie, and he stopped and he asked 'kenapa menangis?', then i ignored. he said 'need a lift?' then i said. no, no thank you. he smiled and left. what a nice stranger :). after i calmed down my self, i decided to head home. and then, there was all kind of people i have to face in the rain. (it started to rain though). a car stopped, and asked me a ride. I am not a fool. i didnt answer the, i ignored them instead. they laughed. and just kindda drove away. it was pretty scary. but, atleast i got things out of my mind a bit :/
my birthday is a month away. sheesh, forget it.
i want my edward cullen for my birthday. haha, joke. but that will be awesome :B
L
I am exhausted. I have to do my chores and nowadays i have to do everything. things are getting bad to worse, and i am being treated like a maid around the house. the boys in the house (rashdan and adrian) got their 'sunat' last week and everything is a pain. i thought when they did that "thing" they are suppose to be good, or atleast nicer to me. but no. i cant believe i was expecting a 'change'. I even got smacked by my mum even though it was the boys' fault! things has been very tiring. i always had to fight with my mum. even if i chatted back ONCE to my mum she would say i am bad. but what is the deal with kakak, adan and adrian?. kakak always chatted back, she is always bossy, even bossier than me but i dont see my mum smacking her? sheesh! i know i am not suppose to chat back to my mum, but i hate when she always misunderstanding things and she wont let me explain it. i am always to blame for everything. i always had to be the one who people point at. the one who has to go upstairs, shut the door leaving a loud door shut. the one who listen to the ipod, on the bed, and crying. sometimes i wish i was the only child. i know its boring, but being boring is more fun than to blame. Oh and isn't it enough for me to have a punishment to get to look at my brothers naked around the house, and see "those" things?!
one word: disgusting
People are getting emo and emo nowadays. yes, we are human, and we tend to get sad. even i am sad right now, but when i am sad, i always go to my friends, and yeah chat maybe and talk about my problems or maybe sometimes i dont. but i really cant do it nowadays, they say they dont have the mood to talk or whatever. I guess i have to keep it here, where else. Let them figure it out by them selves. I dont mind being alone, because i am so good at it now, or even before. maybe being alone IS my thing. i want to be alone, but not forever. It would be nice if i can run away for awhile, because no one understands me or maybe even pretending to understand. I can even see in peoples' faces when they are pretending or not.
Love is really sickened me up. I dont feel anything now. weird. between me and him are over, and i see he is not moving, so i should get a move on. Now, i am a new brand. i dont want to be with anyone else, after my spm. yes. i repeat, after my spm. i dont have any feelings to anyone. yes. maybe my edward will come someday.
Speaking of Edward Cullen, there are maybe the next movie of twilight! how exiting! i cant wait! i love the part when Edward cullen says:
"i cant stand it to stay apart from you"
and
"you are my life now"
how i wish i was bella.
i trust in a soulmate. and i think it will come. someday. who knows.
So this is how it goes
Well I, I would have never known
And if it ends today
I'll still say that you shine brighter than anyone
Now I think we're taking this too far
Don't you know that it's not this hard?
Well it's not this hard
But if you take what's your's and I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.
Well this is not your fault
But if I'm without you
Then I will feel so small
And if you have to go
Always know that you shine brighter than anyone does.
Now I think we're taking this too far
Don't you know that it's not this hard?
Well it's not this hard
But if you take what's your's and I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.
If you run away now,
Will you come back around?
And if you ran away,
I'd still wave goodbye
Watching you shine bright.
Now I think we're taking this too far
Don't you know that it's not this hard?
Well it's not this hard
But if you take what's your's and I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.
I'll wave goodbye
Watching you shine bright
(You shine bright, you shine bright)
I'll wave goodbye tonight
L
Amariah, my best friend is having her birthday! i was trying to make the best day of her life, well kindda. But, something has to ruin hr happy day. i tried my best to cheer her up. and i hope that she did really cheer up :) and i was so touched when she like my bday present, i hope she does. she cried tho :P hehe. but then yeaaaahhhh. it was tiring. hehe
I saw twilight! FINALLY! it was the best love movie i have ever watch in my whole entire life! i was so desperate to watch it, and yeah my friends finally wanted to watch that movie with me! i am so glad i watched that movie with my best friends. Edward cullen is sooo fucking hot! or his real name ROBERT PATTINSON! gosh, i really did melt when i look into his eyes....on the screen pon jaaadii laaaa. OH MAN! marrry me Edward cullen! i swear on my life, it is the sweetest movie ever! i just knew it would be good. its, aaah! beautiful. i love the part where he started to go up to her. and when Bella finally found out about Edward is a Vampire. and, it was so sweet when bella came into his life, all he ever wanted is to suck her blood (he came from a special family where his family are vegetarians, which means they dont suck peoples' blood but only take animals').Edward cullen can read peoples' mind, but when it comes to Bella, he cant (it does shows us, the true love). and he isnt attracted to humans blood, untill bella came into his life. it was funny at first and a bit slow. but as the story goes, it gets more exiting and exiting. AND talk about his family in the movie "the cullens", HOT HOT AND HOT! especially his brother! and alice was really nice, but i dont really like rosalie, because she doesnt like bella to come into the cullens family. but the cullens was very nice to Bella. okay, there is too much to say! haha, i'll keep it to myself. it'll take 2 pages for me to tell you the exiting part! haha, (there was this part, they cut it off. shit, and i like the part when edward saved bella, protected her no matter what. and the kiss at end was sweet. he finally pulled it off without wanting her blood. I love every SECOND OF THE MOVIE! and i didnt not waste my rm10 for nothing!). haha. okay. now im ready to move one. oh other than that. thank you friends!
the summary:
Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) has always been a
little bit different, never caring about fitting in with the trendy
girls at her Phoenix high school. When her mother remarries and sends
Bella to live with her father in the rainy little town of Forks,
Washington, she doesn’t expect much of anything to change. Then she
meets the mysterious and dazzlingly beautiful Edward Cullen (Robert
Pattinson), a boy unlike any she’s ever met. Intelligent and witty, he
sees straight into her soul. Soon, Bella and Edward are swept up in a
passionate and decidedly unorthodox romance. Edward can run faster than
a mountain lion, he can stop a moving car with his bare hands - and he
hasn’t aged since 1918. Like all vampires, he’s immortal. But he
doesn’t have fangs, and he doesn’t drink human blood; Edward and his
family are unique among vampires in their lifestyle choice. To Edward,
Bella is that thing he has waited 90 years for - a soul mate. But the
closer they get, the more Edward must struggle to resist the primal
pull of her scent, which could send him into an uncontrollable frenzy.
But what will Edward & Bella do when James (Cam Gigandet), Laurent
(Edi Gathegi) and Victoria (Rachelle Lefevre), the Cullens’ mortal
vampire enemies, come to town, looking for her.
sooooooo...WHERE IS MY EDWARD CULLEN? only if i can be bella, i would be the luckiest girl alive. too bad, it comes in movies only. i hope he'll come someday :) as if! haha
so then, i was kindda frustrated when amad did this to amariah. gosh, i really hope that amariah will open her eyes. its not for her, and she knows it. okay. whatever. i cant really interfere. but yeah. its my opinion. whether they agreed or not. and yes amariah. sisters are always like that. dont get sisters to ruin your life, its not healthy.
so other than that, it was fun hanging out with amariah, akmal, bain, jiman..maybe bibi and...amad....blablabla. i hope that amariah is going to be okay after all that happened. i know, sometimes what we wished for during our birthdays turned out the other way round. just like..mines :) but yeah, who cares anyway. HAHAHA! okay, so then. gosh. its getting late. and i am freaking tired alright! enjoy the pics. haha
me and my best friend, having a blast. well..kindda. BUT I LOVE HER! mwah!
what if i fail?
what if i fail being a daughter that my mum always wanted?
what if i am just too lazy to get my head on the books?
what if i cant make my mum proud?
what if i cant do it next year?
what if i cant do it in my spm?
what if i cant focus on my studies?
what if i am just not smart, and i just cant do it?!
what if all of the people i love wont love me back?
what if the 'person' i love wont love me back?
what if i just die?
or maybe..
what if i just give up?
i've been spending my time crying inside and out. I just dont know who to go to. its like everyone is busy with their stuffs. with all the studies..i mean, i cant do it. and ive been asking all of the 'what ifs' to myself lately. it has been hard for me, and i just dont know how to face this things. i dont know. i'm just....scared. im scared of dealing stuff like this. i'm scared to fall. but i dont know who to fall in to. its been hard, and i dont think anyone would like to hear this sad story. god. why can't life be much easier? im scared. i dont know why. im just scared of what is going to happen next. noone is telling me where to go, which path to choose. its like i am in my own ship, my own world. i have disappointed my mum, and i dont want to disappoint her again. i tried and tried to study, but with all the noises. im sorry. i cant. i really need to hug someone, and i wish the person will be here beside me. i hugged my little cousin 2 days ago, buts its not enough. i need it, badly. god. i tried to be stronger, the strong lisa that people know. but im getting weaker and weaker day by day. i have no one to stand myself up. i know, yes i do have friends. best friends. but sometimes, i am not worth their time. sometimes even if i do tell my problems to them, they...say. 'oh, i hope...' bla and bla and tried giving advices that i tried before and it does not work. i really appreciate them but, i just need a hug thats it, thats a key for me. yeah, again. cry lisa cry. be a baby.
bye
I MISS EVERYONE, WHERE HAS EVERYONE GONE?
they hardly text messaging me, or even call me. and i am always the one who has to contact them. because i miss them so much. maybe they dont miss me :'( yeah, cry lisa cry.
bye.
