The day i wish i could die
Yesterday was the worst day i could ever have imagined. I really wish god will pull my soul out. I have made a huge mistake and i felt really guilty about it. I can't really post it here. but, it was a some kind of a misunderstanding. If only i could just nod of what my mum told me before I began to talk back after her. If only i can just turn the clock around and be her daughter. I wanted to be her ever best daughter she can ever had. But i failed. I failed the test. I cant be the one who can make her proud. She lost her trust on me, i am not qualified to have a such wonderful mother like her. I regret of what i have done. she has done everything for me, raise me, feed me, buy for my needs. and i didnt appreciate her yesterday. How bad can i be? people say i am so nice, but i am not. I realize that i am not nice at all. I realize that i am very stupid, in everything i do. I am not strong anymore. I dont want to be bad, and i have never imagined myself be a bad daughter, but i am. i've realized.
Yesterday, i asked amariah to call me. and i cried to her and told what happened. I locked my self in my room the whole day, crying my eyes out. no matter how hard i cried, things wont get to normale. I didnt wanted to eat, at all. I said sorry to her. She accepted my apology. and i was thankful. but i dont feel like i am part of the family, which is odd. Papa text me, during my class. and i cried that moment. i cant really post it here. but it was as if he hates me too. I am now hating myself too. feeling that maybe i can kill myself, but i wont, dont worry (hm?). so people who seemed to love me, please stop loving me, I am bad. stop taking care of me, and just punish me, pretty please. dont be my friend. because i am a bad influence, and you should not be friends with a bad person.
So today, everything was pretty okay, but i still feel the same. My mum started to talk to me. and it was adrian's 8th birthday. I even forgot, how can i. see? i am bad. So then, after my class, mama talked, i was pretty relieved. after eating cakes, and my mum had to go back to work. she left her phone, and i checked her messages wondering of what she said to papa. I read, she was very upset. After my class yesterday, i was about to say that i'll walk myself home to her, which will probably take me hours and probably something could have happen to me, and i was wishing it could. then i checked her sent message to papa, she said that she was very upset with me and she wants me to walk myself home. So, she thought of it before i do. see?! She hates me :'(. then papa text back. no dont, something could have happen to me and he doesnt want mama to regret it. then she said, okay. I just knew it. she picked me up. and in the car, not a single word. you can really tell how she was very upset with me. she hates me. so then, i didnt realize that she changed her wallpaper right after the incident. she changed a normal plain wallpaper to her picture with kakak on it. and i realize that, she loves kakak more than me. i felt it ages ago, but now i really do feel as if she hates me, and she loves kakak.
So now, i gotta stop writing, and cry my eyes out.
mama, i love you. and if something happened to me. I will always love you, even if you dont.
you are the best mum ever! and i dont deserve you mama. i love you.
goodbye
