I am the world's first accident

sometimes i feel so alone. i feel so sad. but sometimes i really need me time alone. in my situation right now is that i am alone, and i dont really have noone to talk to. even if i have friends, they wouldnt response that much. i would just have to fake my laughs just to get them in the mood. but, you know. if that makes them happy. i know that love will get in a way for somehow. and you'll eventually forget about you friends behind you. it will be like nothing with just you and a guy. but i dont have "the guy". and sometimes when i heard about my friends talking about boys, i dont know why i get pissed alot. but i cant show it to them. one, yes i am jealous. but i have noone to love right now. except of that baskin-robin guy, i wish i can make him mine. haha (get real). but hm, its okay. all i want to do is just focus on one lane, and hoping that there wouldnt be any distractions. i wish i can tell my friends how i feel, but i know that they would never want me to say that. instead of me being sad, its always the other way round. and i am the one who has to go after them. pft. whatever.

but other than that, i love the little card that was made by amariah. it was so sweet <3

yesterday was the parents evening where you know you have to bring your parents to school. and the teachers will tell your parents how we behaved and everything, bla bla bla. oh yeah, did i tell you that i failed my bm? no i didnt and yes i did. yeah, im terrible. well, the teacher is horrible as well, no that kind of horrible. shes fun, strict and she cursed alot. not that i dont like it. but ive never failed in my bm before. but, because of her markings, i did. and you know the systems. if you failed bm. you failed everything. so much for my hard work for getting 3A's huh? yeah. im so pissed. so enough about that. so yeah, in the morning, we were about to leave home. but the car wont start. so my mum said, just skip the school. so tak jd laaaa. so, is it a WOHOO? or, ohh maaaan. haha. i'll say between both. because i dont know why, for some reasons i want to listen to what the teachers are going to say about me. lol. bla bla bla. i hate zaki and iqbal. not that kind of hate. i hate them manually. like for instance, in education. they are so good in everything. im so jealous. i wish i can be smart like them. so it'll be easier for me to face spm.

i cannot wait for his birthday. its coming up, next week. though i havent talk to him for ages now. i reaallly do not know why. but...now..when i see him. i see a different person. not the one that i used to know. well...amariah knows more about him. she said so. so, i got nothing again.

i dont know really who am i close with right now. i am close with wawa and amariah at school but when i get home, its just me and my guitar..oh and books. thats just it. my life is completely blank right now. i dont know what i want, and i will never know what i really want. i wish i can have someone to hear my stories and act like its very important to them. sometimes i wish i can be important, and special...but. pftt. naah. blank. pale.....

kay, till then.
boring lisa

yeah what a shame. check out this vid. this is an embarrassment for them for saying something about our country, malaysia.

i think that we are living on the final years of the earth now. you know what i mean. doomsday? its scary you know. people have been talking about all kinds of things. i mean, talk about influenza A H1N1. its spreading very quickly. even here, in my country. and in my place. sheesh. for now, there is no cure. only we humans can fight the virus. you know, just like any of other viruses. white blood cells and yada yada. but, i am sure its very hard to fight the virus. ive been told that maybe it will be the last virus that will set on earth. and after that? hm. people have been saying that the world will end on 2012. its very near. this just like in the movie, 'i am legend'. the story sets in 2009-2012. and it talks about a doctor fighting viruses. and....it is happening right now. all of the scientist are fighting to find cures. and no one managed to do right now. all we have to do is..stay alive. i have lots of sins to burn, and i am afraid that its too late for me to repent. ive been hearing too much news around the world. and its scares the hell out of me. i am trying to be in my best behaviour everyday. i want to pray 5 times a day and dont fight with my parents. i want to do good deeds. wow..i cannot believe that this is happening right now. and god is almighty. he gaved us a clue in the religion of islam to not eat pigs. and, this is what happens people. pig has a lot of bacteria, and still people eat it. disgusting. now i know that every little things outcome to be true. its happening. i dont know where to run now. why does it have to happen this year? 2009? i mean.....during spm year? too much pressure. i hope that i wont get that disease. lets just all pray together and hold our hands.

okay, enough with the scary tale. lets just hope that everything will be undercontrol and please! someone find the cure and a key to kill this stupid virus. darn pigs. (yeah right)

hm, so not so much things going on with my life. just that i failed my bm. and pfft, that means i have failed everything. i also failed my add maths and chemistry. its not fair. i soooo envy my classmate, zaki. the teacher loves him. and even his academics. oh how i wish i can be smart like him! he is just way smart. i even envy him for the teachers to be putting his name on the list of "targets in spm 2009". the teachers target him to get 9a's. and that is soo sad. i mean, the teachers have faith in him, but not with us. he is so lucky. can we switch brain please? but i admire his skills and how he study. haha. oh wow. he is just so.........lucky. thats him. and boy im not.

i wonder if people are still contacting me or not.

so thats pretty it, till then....and i mean...if. 

last 2 days my family and i went to port dickson. we stayed at aviillion hotel for 2 nights. i had another loss. my phone. someone stole it yesterday. well, it was kind of my fault for bringing it and leaving it. i was swimming only for aboyt 5 mins. then. after that, i looked into my plastic bag full with shampoo and towel, it wasnt there. i searched for it everywhere. i am sooo stupid. how can i not see it coming! sheesh. i love that phone so much. i dont know why. its the first real phone that i really love. and now..its gone. just like that. because im so careless! :( im stupid...stupid!

cant stop thinking about the phone. i lost my baby. :( no matter how many times ive dropped it, i still love it. now its gone. its all gone! i dont have any phone. and i bet mama and papa wont buy me a new one! i blew it! i blew everything. its just..not my luck. i have no luck :( im a cluts. a jinx. clumsy and careless! everything! how can i be more stupid! im stupid im stupid im stupid! i never thought that i will ever lose it! but i did. and..i will never see it ever again. thanks to the thief! gosh, if i can get my hand on him! ugh! why are people soooo fucking cruel! if i found a phone, i'll try to return it to someone. but apparently, he is not nice. god will punish you here me?! ugh. no matter how hard i cried, i wont get it back. itll never come back! never...

STUPID! lisa youre soooooooo stupiddd okkkaaaayyyyy?!?!?!?!??!?!?! stupid is who you are.

i dont know what happened yesterday. i dont want to lose my best friends, but i dont know. my words kind of slipped out. hmmm, i am just sorry. i dont really think that i can control my anger very well. im a hot tempered. heh :/

I sometimes wonder if people cared about me. sure they care, but do they truly care about me, like how i care about them? some flashbacks just struck into my head. and it keeps on playing and playing. i wonder why it kept on coming back? is it because..i cant let go of the past. but i'm sure i did. i did. trust me i did. but, every time i think about him and everything he used to do to me and when he was nicer before, but now he wouldnt even care about me, he wouldnt even look at me either, it sickens me. i dont know what i did. and i will die to know of what i did to him. i wish sometimes we can be friends again. but its too late, and there is no way that i could even be friends with him. i mean, spm is coming up, and i will die to say sorry to him. wait. i did say sorry to him millions of times. but, he dont response. why do you always keep me feeling guilty? when i dont know what my fault was. it was kind of stupid that sometimes i wonder to myself that you will eventually talk to me one day, and we will be friends, but i was wrong. it was nothing but a dream. you left me something alright, you left me a hole in my heart. 

friends? i remember the day you left me. it was at night. and i am so not sure if you remember this, but someone else accompanied me, and it wasnt even you when i hoped that you'll be. you even left me the day you asked me to accompany you, and i took the chance because i want to spend time with you, but when everything went wrong you left me with people who i dont even recognise. i am not sure if you even notice. but is that what friends really do to each other? i dont think so. no is the answer. you always tell me that i am strong. you dont know how it feels to be left out, because you never were alone. i even sometimes wish that i was you. but i dont have all that. i am thankful with everything i got. eventhough i wish that sometimes it could be better. when it never did. but i kept wishing. and  never stop wishing.

sometimes i wonder what can i really do? i am not good in anything. when people says that i am. i know i am not. i know that it is just a way to make me feel better. but its not working. i love to pretend to be happy and everything. i want to search the inner me. i love playing guitar, singing and doing physics and engineering drawing. i enjoy doing all those stuffs. but i am not good. that is the difference. i love doing it, but i am no good at it.

i remember the times when i was hoping to get 7a's and 1b in PMR but, i got 1a and 7bs. it was always the other way round. i worked really hard, but it wasnt enough. i know i am suppose to let it go. let bygones be bygones. but, sometimes, you cant. because you hoped to much. and i dont know if my fate will turn the same way in spm. it happens to me all the time. and i wish. just one time..only once..only a day. that i will be the luckiest girl.

am i unlucky? sheesh. okay, i am kind of being like one of the characters in disney channel's movie. lol. keep on dreaming lisa. PFFT!

i need a new fresh life. that is why i am working my hardest for myt spm. and the reason is.....

i want to get away from here.

yesterday, my friends came. they came to apologize again. so i dont want to make things uglier. i accept their apology. we went for a picnic under a tree. and for a second, i thought..this is nice. they bought me mcdonalds. when i just ate my lunch. i cannot finish it. so i shared with my lil brother, adrian. amariah brought flour to put it onto bain, (his birthday) eventhough its already past. dont matter. it was...fun. except for the part that i had to shower again after i HAD my shower before! grr. its nice.

but..i wont be the same person as i was before, and i hope they will accept my changes.

hm, so okay. 5 months till spm and 3 months till spm trial. i have to prepare for everything. i am taking time on chemistry now. they say that we have to start from basic and you have to do alot of practice on the counting ones. so im working on that. i am so scared. 3 months is like so short, and i have never noticed it will be this short! and when you wake up tommorrow, it'll be spm. omgeee, im scared.

so thats probably it...
:)

Despite of having a huge pimple on my nose (darn it!), my family and i went to the movies. we watched Hannah Montana the movie. and i tell ya (eventhough i am not a big fan of miley, but i like her somehow, dont hate), i loved the movie so much! well, i was expecting miley to choose one, and she will be a huge hit for miley not hannah, and everyone accepts her lie. but uhm, she chose two. okay, dont read this, if youre gonna watch it. because im a spoiler. haha. the movies makes me cry a little bit. especially when she has to choose one, because when she had the both of both world, everything falls apart and she was just too busy. and the hannah thing always comes in between her loved ones. especially the hottie, lucas till as travis brody. he is so hot. damn. that movies lifts my spirit up. they have new songs, and i loved it. i dont care what people says, whether they hate her on not. she's cool in some ways :)

i cried just now. my sister wants to take this laptop away from me, just because her laptop is not working. and my mum said she wants to buy a desktop. but, its the same. all of them are going out, sending ana to shah alam. and i couldnt be bothered to follow because i want to relax at home. and online. but noooo, they came back. and they want to take this thing away from me. i cried, and i said that its not fair of how she broke her laptop, and she wants to take this away from me. i knew she wants to buy a new laptop. but i really need a laptop for now. well..because i want to update you. its going to be boriing without internet. grrh. but then my mum changed her mind, i betthey pity me..for some reasons. grrh she always gets everything.

i dont know why, i tense to get jealous of everything. and as i walk. i wish of new things. i hate going out with my sister, because she always get the attention that she wants

1. i wish i am pretty
2. i wish i am fairer
3. i wish i am taller
4. i wish i dont have skin problems
5. i wish i am skinnier
6. i wish someone will come into my life
7. i wish i can be in england right now
8. i wish someone can spend their money on me
9. i wish i have loads of money
10. i wish i have a new guitar
11. i wish i can write good lyrics
12. i wish i have nice eyes
13. i wish i dont have such weird face
14. i wish i can fly
15. i wish i am clever
16. i wish i can be cool
    
17. i wish people know me
18. i wish i know how to style
    
19. i wish i can be more like her
20. i wish that i dont have to wish all of these kinds of things

i am just a complete loser. i know. gargh :( i dont have friends now. i am a loser. loser!
see, i cannot control myself..i am never satisfied with myself. and i dont know why. its sad.
i just hate to think of all of these things.

i wish someone can take me away, and blow all of these thoughts. noone ever makes me feel so real.

taylor lautner hottie

CAN someone tell me, why is this taylor lautner is soo hot? man he is so hot :B i love his smile and his eyes and everything and i will die for him to be my boyfriend. haha, but i wish my future boyfriend will be as hot as him [pfft, keep on dreaming lisa. i am not that hot as him, so no chance] but man he is smoking hot. rumour is spreading around the world that he is going out it disney star, selena gomez. i love her. i am not jealous, well maybe a bit, but darn it. i love selena gomez. haha

you see, i dont have anything to do at home. its kakak's birthday, and i thought that we are going out to see hannah montana and 17 again. but she said 'no, im bored with seeing movies'. she's lucky enough that two good movies came out on her birthday. well, she went back to shah alam. and decided to spend her birthday with her boyfriend -.-. uhuh. yeap. well, her choice anyways. but i will watch the movies tomorrow. i hope so.

last two days, my family and i went to the cinemas and we watched terminator salvation. and hell yeah! that movie was superb. there was a little bit of a twist in the story. that is why we have to follow each and every series and movies of terminator. and i was scratching my head several times when watching that movie. but dang, the action was wicked. well, i hope that wont happen to us in the future. you know when all of the robot take over the world. and destroying everything. and when they formed their own factory, making millions and millions of robots. evil ones. like in the movie, skynets. haha. okay. movies nowadays are all making stories about the judgement day or the end of the world. its scary you know. to be thinking about it. but i know and i believe one day it will come. eventually.

i cannot be bothered to post anything of whats happening in my life, currently. because its the same thing over and over again. but somehow, i just want to. (hmm?). they came to my house yesterday. i was in shock because i just woke up. and my sister said that my friends are outside the house. how shocking. they came by. they are very sorry. i dont know why i cannot accept their apology this time round. i am hurt, truly deep down. they are the reason why i am just way too tired, and have me walking alone till i arrive at the taxi stand. alone. its haunting me. but, ugh. they are still my best friends. and i miss every single moments of me being together with them. somehow, i felt guilty and i feel horrible. they are my best friends. i should have hugged them when they came to my house. i mean..they came to my house just to say sorry. i am horrible. i dont know what i am doing when should have known. i am hurt. and i dont know why a sorry was never enough this time round. but how they left me by myself yesterday is not cool.

i sometimes wonder, if anyone would think about me this time round. do they ever think about me, and wonder of what i am doing right now. hmmmmm... :/ no. hahahahhahahahahaa(!) get real. i dont care -.-

well....yeah..
  

i was going to seat in the girls section. but the teachers told me to go to the boys section because its full. so, i did. i saved seats for my two dear "best friends" just like how they told me too. i cant reply their text because i didnt have credit. so i just did what they told me to do. i wait. waiting for them to come. and i am surrounded by boys in front of me. the girls beside me couldnt care less. i did my work. wait..waiting and waiting. the boys asked me why am i all alone? where are all my friends? why am i alone?..then. i recieved a text from them that they dont want to enter the dewan. i was so angry. i saved seats..to invisible people. and im dying of embarassment sitting alone. mok asked me am i alright and everything. and i swear to god that i wanted to cry. he kept saying "kesian kau" and i was like. uggh! he wanted me to smile and everything. but i cant. dont you think is pretty stupid sitting alone when youre saving seat for people and they dont show up? when they can?

i was so angry at them, i entered the class. and i tell them how i feel. i walked out of the class, and there he is. akmal. he followed me everywhere when i told him to leave me alone. i called my mum, but she wont pick her phone up. i was so angry at that point. and akmal wont stop following me everywhere. so he finally gave up after i said something bad. at that point i really want to go home. i dont want to face them anymore. this is the second time they did this to me. and i am not going there anymore. i kept walking and walking when my heart says to stay. i have two choices at that time. whether i'll buy myself rm10 credit, or just go straight until you find a taxi to get myself home. but..i dont know why, i went straight. i kept walking and walking. till i arrived at a taxi point. i went straight home.

thanks alot.